The mythical golem is a massive automaton formed out of dirt then brought to life through magic. Easily the most fearsome Jewish monster this side of Jerry Lewis. It is, quite simply, the scariest thing a lump of clay can ever become. Ash-trays, vases, and bowls don't even come close. Not even those crafted using sexual chemistry, a potter's wheel, and a sad ghost.
Some say the only way to stop the golem is to place a scroll containing sacred words in its mouth, others, have never heard of it and get annoyed when you try to talk to them about golems. "I don't know," they'll say. "Please stop talking about monsters." "You're really creeping me out, and I'd just like to ride the bus in peace," they'll offer. Hmmm in peace? OR IN PIECES? YOU THINK THIS METAL VESSEL WILL SPARE US FROM THE WRATH OF A RAMPAGING GOLEM!? You. Dummy. He'll tear through this tin can like he's a specially made tin-cutting tool, and the fact that you didn't know that terrifies me, almost as much as the creature itself.
The golem is a slow-moving but dangerous foe. If he hits you clean with one of his heavy thudding shots, it could be over. However, his strength is also his potential downfall. He's exactly the right consistency of mud to do damage; thick and dense enough to deliver force but pliable enough to shrug off your counterattacks... But, if you can alter his density far enough in either direction, you can beat him.
Sidebar - Shit-talking is a wonderful tool. It can be used to intimidate, to anger, to celebrate... It's basically just a nice way to make yourself look awesome, while hurting someone else's feelings. It's perfect. But in this case, you're going to use shit-talking to walk your opponent in the direction you want him to go.
The end goal here is to position the golem in front of a heat source until his clay hardens, rendering him immobile. Start with run-of-the-mill shit-talk “Oh, you wanna go? I’ll kick your fucking ass. You’re dead motherfucker! I’m gonna kick your dick off! Then “I’m gonna beat you so bad they’re gonna need a before and after picture just to recognize you.” Then, a left turn. “That’s right, you fuck, a fucking before and after photo… in fact, if you don’t already have a guy in mind, I’d love to take that fucking photo for you! Seriously, I think I could get some nice shots, and really bring something out of you, before I punch yer face off. I hope this isn't too forward but I've got my stuff in the car, and with the natural light in the den…” Now, if he agrees, you’ve got him.
After getting your camera, and posing him in front of various backdrops in goofy hats, insist he try one in front of your fully stoked and roaring fire place. Tell him it’ll be great. Maybe even with a pipe in his mouth-hole. This is the tricky part. You’ve got to stall him there in front of the fireplace for 5-6 hours, until he hardens. Yeah, I know, even with an un-thinking mass of clay brought to life through magic, this is gonna be tough. I guess just pretend the camera has a special, super long exposure? “Just a few more seconds… just a few more… aaaany second now.”
Once he hardens, throw the camera down triumphantly and run up to him. His body will be like stone, except for his fleshy eyeballs, which will be rolling around all nervous and shit. Pick up the fireplace poker, and just start wacking limbs off until there’s nothing left but dust.
Finally, develop the photos. Print a bunch of them up, then hand them out to friends as gifts. Maybe tape one up in your cubicle, and when you spot an office mate eyeing it, casually say: "Oh that? Just some golem I beat up one time. That's all, no big deal really..."