How To Beat Up Anything

How To Beat Up Zombie Abe Lincoln

If you’ve been online even a little bit the past week you know one topic has been dominating the conversation.  Namely, should the actions of a post-death, "Zombie" Abe Lincoln tarnish the many legislative achievements of his historic political career?  My opinion?  A little bit.

Not enough to erase all the good he once did, but c’mon, biting the face off a bus driver and six Italian tourists is not an easy thing to smooth over.  That’s not an ideal situation, for even an alive politician, still in possession of his tongue and the power of speech, who could possibly defend the act.  It’s hard to imagine that drooling, shambling, dull-eyed wreck of a thing as the once proud man who defeated the secessionist Confederate States of America in the Civil War.  Seeing his jaws clamped onto the arm of that hapless hobo, it’s hard to conjure the brilliant orator who once fearlessly out maneuvered Stephen Douglas during the fabled Lincoln/Douglas debates... but there it is. When all is said and done -- and he’s once again beneath the ground where he belongs -- public opinion on him will have lowered slightly.

How To Beat Up A Golem

The mythical golem is a massive automaton formed out of dirt then brought to life through magic. Easily the most fearsome Jewish monster this side of Jerry Lewis.  It is, quite simply, the scariest thing a lump of clay can ever become.  Ash-trays, vases, and bowls don't even come close.  Not even those crafted using sexual chemistry, a potter's wheel, and a sad ghost.

Some say the only way to stop the golem is to place a scroll containing sacred words in its mouth, others, have never heard of it and get annoyed when you try to talk to them about golems. "I don't know," they'll say. "Please stop talking about monsters." "You're really creeping me out, and I'd just like to ride the bus in peace," they'll offer.  Hmmm in peace?  OR IN PIECES?  YOU THINK THIS METAL VESSEL WILL SPARE US FROM THE WRATH OF A RAMPAGING GOLEM!?  You. Dummy. He'll tear through this tin can like he's a specially made tin-cutting tool, and the fact that you didn't know that terrifies me, almost as much as the creature itself.